No specific caption

"Come now, Mr Symes, I am a Master Chef. I'll admit the steaks are high. But then, so are the rewards"

Milestones in Adaptation / Two million years ago, nude male Hominins spontaneously develop a classic right-leg-forward stance in response to a major influx of college textbook artists.

"Well hello there..!! We'd like to talk with you about the KINGDOM OF GOD.." / "damn." / FIRST CONTACT

The Humpback of Notre Dame

Henderson unfurled his towel over the sparkling sands, stretched out luxuriously under a cobalt sky, and sighed. Fitting compensation for a hectic year of research, they'd said. Just get out there and relax. Think of anything but science for once. / The rhythmic collapse of waves on the shore was reminiscent of something in quantum mechanics. I'll bet the sand is mainly tectosilicates, he thought, probably alpha-quartz. The towel was cotton, and his trunks were Rayon, produced he recalled by acetylation of cellulose. Cobalt blue probably represents a range of wavelengths centered somewhere between 420 and 460 nanometres.. / Henderson's right hand idly toyed with the portable Dobson Spectrophotometer before he raised it to his eye for another look. No doubt about it, he thought, concentrations of ozone over this part of the beach are higher than elsewhere.. .

"Okay, does anybody know why Barry's on fire today?" / "No" / "No" / "Not me" / "Nope" // Studies reveal that at the first hint of OSH paperwork, 82.3% of scientists are able to voluntarily jettison their short-term memories.

"You can bet the EPA will make a big deal out of this.."

"I'd rather we don't mention this in the annual report."

Okay I admit it – we probably DO need a rocket scientist

After you.. No, after you.. / Please - Be my guest.. / Thank you, gracious host. You're too kind.. // Deferential equations

"You see Thag. .? Names CAN break your bones. Especially when those names are carved on ROCKS."

"Sure been a heap more work for ME around here since those Biologists got granted research time on the ol' Supercollider.."

[McGuire and Co. Professional Cattle Rustlers] / Closed for Stocktaking

DON'T MOVE, or I'll fill you full of LEAD!!! / HAAA!! I happen to know that the lead in bullets is in the METALLIC form! This chemical form of lead has an intrinsically low bioavailability and toxicity!! / YES, but EARP et al (1886) have recently reported that the gunpowder-assisted acceleration of this form of lead to 1000 ft/sec substantially enhances its ability to penetrate biological membranes, effectively making it a whole lot MORE toxic!!! / I don't believe I've read that paper. .. // Environmental Scientists in the Wild West

You can't go to the afterlife looking like THAT! / First up, you need a shave. .. / Now let's tidy that hair up a bit. .. / And for pity sake, put on a shirt and tie..! / There! That's MUCH more presentable! / SWISSH!! // The Prim Reaper

Add the puppies. / Throw in the intern. // After years of experimentation, scientists remain dubious about whether there really is such a thing as the Cute Particle.

"I'm beginning to wonder if our Terms of Reference may be just a little too broad..?"

Astrophysics made simple

"Long periods of inactivity are not good for a pirate like you, Cap'n. You're taking root."

No specific caption. Does feature one FOOM!

No specific caption. Does feature a GLUB BLUB GLUB, followed four panels later by a GLUB GLUB GLUB GLUB GLUB

"Why YES! Yes I WOULD like to talk with you about the end of the world!"

"Son, it's time we told you. There are some people in this world who don't LIKE brussels sprouts. .."

OH HELL! I THINK HE'S PLANNING TO HUG ME..!! // Consider the trees. They have no legs to run with.

"Okay - who put my lunch through the mass spectrometer..?"

Despite the heavy flak, McAlister's aim was true, and his carefully measured aliquot of hydrochloric acid found its mark deep in the enemy's reservoir of sodium hydroxide. / McAlister grinned wryly: finally, one of the enemy's strongest bases had been completely neutralized.

"Of course, it's still a complete mystery as to how the ancients even managed to MOVE these massive stones. .."

8000 B.C. Invention of the printing process.

"Bravo Professor, you stumbled upon the one fact that makes sense of it all. Unfortunately humanity is not permitted to know that the Universe was designed by a committee of ducks."

If all children are natural-born scientists, society might be wise to at least quarantine the subset of these scientist-infants who are the atomic weapons specialists, before they kill us all with their crazy little lunchbox nukes.

The only reason that 'children are our future' is that we don't send enough adults on round trips through deep-space at relativistic speeds. / (Hi kids - we're back!!) / Once we start doing that, children will become a lot less complacent, because there's a good chance that by the time we get back they'll be old enough to be our grandparents.

(NO!) / (NO!) / (FOR GOD'S SAKE NO!) / (That's it! Nuclear-tipped megadeath for you!!) // You don't knead a Rocket Scientist.

"Jed! Wake up! Something's spoked the horses..!"

"Okay - is there anybody ELSE whose homework ate their dog?"

The "Failsafe 3000" dead-certain 100-percent surefire lawyer trap.

"That? No that's not a U.F.O. It's on the ground now. And you've identified it. That makes it an I.G.O."

"Well looking back I suppose it's been going on for quite some time, but I only noticed we were drifting apart during the last 50 million years. .."

The guy on the line wonders if we stock the extra-extra-extra-extra-extra-extra-large, and also whether it's harpoon-proof..?

Alternative Models of Mongrel Evolution. [ The sentient stomach model: Amoeba -(Several Steps)- Stomach entity -(One step)- Mobile stomach entity. The leaky plumbing model: Amoeba -(Several Steps)- Bladder entity -(One step)- Mobile bladder entity ]

Dirk gasped in surprise. Aliens had landed in his paddock before, but never before in such numbers.

Fluffy, the "Galileo of the Lemmings," with his stopwatch.

(". ..and now if you could close the other 650 eyes and read the bottom line. ..") FLY HELL

Great events in Chemistry / 1865: Kekule, moments before his brilliant insight into the structure of benzene.

Biggins watched incredulously as Santa's sleigh, port stabilizer torn away, flipped gracefully over and entered a terminal dive to destruction. / Oh just great, thought Biggins, the night before Christmas and there goes my last chance at getting research funding.

"You'll have to forgive Sidney. The left and right hemispheres of his brain are currently engaged in a struggle for dominance."

[Carbon Dioxide Emission Control Authority] / ['SUPER-STICK' MASKING TAPE]

Eustarch the Younger. The kid who brought the Trojan Horse in through the gates of Troy "just to play with for a while."

Dreams of times past: a school of heavily-moustached gentlemen strain for krill in the warm coastal waters of the Bahamas.

"So what if I'm a duck too..!? There's nothing in this permit that says that ducks can't hunt other ducks at this time of year..!"

Yes I agree that we've reached the magnetic North Pole. What I'm unsure about is whether anyone has previously noticed this bloody great solenoid..!?

Bonfire of the Vanities

We are a committee of clocks, you idiot. What do you mean you forgot to record the minutes..?

"You're a selfish bastard, Lewis! Those stem cell lines were meant for people who've LOST an organ!"

SHE was a Tectonic Plate. HE was several thousand cubic miles of Boiling Magma. TOGETHER they would MOVE A NATION / "CONTINENTAL DRIFTERS" - A STORY OF MOLTEN LOVE ON GEOLOGICAL TIMESCALES

It appears to be some sort of primitive tractor beam, Captain...

The Colinisation of Space

The Colinization of Space

Sunday afternoon in the library. The awkward silence that comes from not having had a weekend murder to accuse anybody of committing.

Most scientists regarded the new streamlined peer-review process as "quite an improvement."

The Sole of Discretion

"Just ignore that one. It's totally unscientific."

DON'T MOVE, or I'll fill you full of 98% lead, 1% antimony, 0.75% silver, 200 parts per million nickel, trace amounts of cobalt, and other components below their respective detection limits! / Wait a minute! Are those values CERTIFIED?! / Analytical Chemists in the Wild West

As touch, taste, sight, smell and hearing boarded the charter flight for Havana, Professor Nicholson knew in his heart that he had lost more than just good friends. In fact, he had finally lost his senses.

Before we begin, I'll read out the minutes from our last meeting . . . . "BANG, KABOOM, BOOM, BANG BANG, RATTLE OF SMALL ARMS FIRE, RICOCHET, BANG, THOOOM, BOOM, MUFFLED WHOOMPH, THRUMM, BANG . . . ."

HE WAS A PORTUGUESE MAN-OF-WAR / SHE WAS A LITTLE PINK JELLYFISH / Where are you anyway..? / Your presence would send shivers up my spine . . . if I had one . . . / BLIND and SPINELESS. AN INVERTEBRATE LOVE STORY.

Hmmm, interesting. . . Now, Thog, next YOU go in there and see where all my OTHER research students have gotten to. . . / Proto-Professor Algarth Zag, pioneer in fire research.

Large and hitherto uncatalogued lifeform on the windscreen, Jim. . .

"Hello Mr Preston? This is an ALIEN speaking. We have landed in your paddock. We have mutilated your cows. We have made loud crashing noises, and we have danced a can-can on your porch. Just what the hell is it on your TV that's so very special..?!?"

Scientists devise yet another way of delaying death.

Dinosaur brain surgery

Today will be a scorcher..!! So if you're heading to the beach, don't forget your sunblock..! / Damn.

Cambridge, 1953. Shortly before discovering the structure of DNA, Watson and Crick, depressed by their lack of progress, visit the local pub.

Wait a minute!! Is there any part of this stupid bush that is NOT actually another stick insect..?!?

Starving philosophy student grappling with the question of the Toast in the Machine.

"Always been a bit of a barbecue rebel, haven't you Gavin..?"

I think I can truly say that in this book we have all the elements of a first-class thriller. .. / Chemists as book-reviewers

It's so UNFAIR..!! Why do people always take out the GOOD books..?!?

At a resolution of 10-24 metres, isolated clumps of strange matter pop briefly out of the quantum foam to debate the possible existence of particle physicists.

It was on a short-cut through the hospital kitchens that Albert was first approached by a member of the Antibiotic Resistance.

LATE 17th CENTURY - Oil on Canvas - $50,000 / EARLY 21st CENTURY - Oil in Barrel - $500,000

NEIL / ERIC / KEVIN / GARY / The Four Hearsemen with the Alpaca Lips

"Perhaps one of you gentlemen would mind telling me just what it is outside the window that you all find so attractive..?"

Yes I know I LOOK ugly, but I'm really a PRINCE! Kiss me and we'll live happily ever after..! / HEAR YE! HEAR YE! Local maiden dies horribly after being poisoned by skin-absorbed nerve-toxins..! Bizarre morphing amphibian-boy to hang for murder!

I'm so depressed.. . / Nobody loves me .. . Everybody hates me .. . / Life! What's the point..? I've never felt so low.. . / I might as well not even exist .. . / An Unidentified Flying Abject

BEWARE OF THE DOG (sign) / Is that really necessary..? / Have you seen our dog lately..?

Don't look at ME like that..! It's not MY fault..!

Too bad Desmond never learned to recognize the early warning signs of a heart attack.

"The guy at the door wants to know if we've all been saved?"

Physics at the farm: discovery of the muon.

Hmmmmm, wrong bottle. I guess THIS one must have been the Elixir of DEATH. ..

"All those perfectly adequate brain-donors out there and Igor has to pick me a televangelist!"

My friends, as a result of our experimentation, we have just lost a dear and valued colleague. .. On the other hand, we have just gained a publication.

Things You Should Know About / The little electrical device they install behind your car dashboard to make that intermittent squeaking noise. / XJ-451, a teeth-seeking nerve-agent deliberately added to your icecream. / The meter your kids use to work out how far they can push you. / An original fragment of the computer code designed to adjust your expenditure to slightly more than your income. / The mobile micro-element used to impart patchy burn-zones in your toast. / One of many public opinion polls that are used to adjust public opinion.

"Wow what a scoop!! Humpty Dumpty sleeping with a Farmyard Fowl..!! Okay now, who came first? The chicken or the egg..??"

That day at work, Jack and Eileen exchanged harsh words.

"Yes I can give you liposuction and a face-lift, Mrs Gribbs, but I must warn you that it won't change the fact that basically way down deep and underneath it all you're really a duck."

YOU HAVE JUST PISSED OFF A MAJOR WORLD SUPERPOWER.. . CONTINUE? Y/N

"Well to be honest we weren't going to revive you. However the rest of your species is extinct and we are in desperate need of someone to throw us a stick."

"Have you seen that weedy little rat that we're using to test out the new growth hormone..?"

Yello..?

"For goodness sake man, snap out of it! We're NOT aliens from outer-space! We're PIXIES! Pixies from your GARDEN!! IS THAT SO DIFFICULT TO UNDERSTAND..?!?"

Potatoes are recorded as first being domesticated at about 8000-7000 B.C., in Peru. Before this time, potatoes had a reputation of being savage and unpredictable tubers. / Figure 1. An early Peruvian contemplates taming a band of wild potatoes. / Figure 2. The modern domestic potato.

Discovery of Crime Waves

Vader is seduced by the stark bride of the Norse.

A Great White Man Eating Shark

"This composition was produced during the artist's 'Hay-Fever' period, and is simply entitled 'The Sneeze'."

I don't know exactly what that thing is Virgil, but frankly I'm worried. .. / Thunderbirds meet their match

Amble, everyone! Amble for your lives! The great New Zealand carnivorous snail is coming!

[TODAY'S HERETICS: MR AND MRS SMITH] / What annoys me the most about all this is that I used to ENJOY church barbecues. ..

Sorry folks. .. the tractor beam's broken. We'll have to use the tractor piece of rope.

And THIS is why we fear contact with humans. ..

Chapter 3. Andrew's scheme backfires

Think carefully and then tell yourself about me. / Reverse Psychology

Once again, war breaks out in the middle yeast.

"I'm having second thoughts about the health benefits of acupuncture. .."

Nice tie! / Yeah - it really goes with your shirt. .. / Have you lost weight recently? / The drinks were expensive, but at least the nuts were complimentary.

Cheeses of Nazareth

"I'd like to open a spank account."

EXFOLIATE! DEPILATE! MOISTURIZE! / Fortunately for Dave the Daleks were gay.

EXCOMMUNICATE! EXCOMMUNICATE! EXCOMMUNICATE! EXCOMMUNICATE! / "I suppose we should be THANKFUL that they've found religion..?"

AD 763. Hopeful entrants in the first 'Easter Island Idol' competition.

The Portuguese Balloon o' War

Muslin Fundamentalists

Despite being a flatfish, Detective Holme was highly respected by the townsfolk. Indeed, many of them would routinely avow that in matters of personal security, there was no Plaice like Holme.

Same greasy residue as the other victims.. . / Poor bastard's been seasoned to perfection.. . / Another case of Salt and Battery

Advances in Science, 37. Iconoclastic researcher Dr Alvin Henderson demonstrates that it IS in fact possible to become too familiar with the safety rules.

Photocopiers jamming

Ask not for whom the photocopier jams. It jams for thee.

Cirrhosis of the river

The Second World Wart

Forget the experts: domestication of the dog only took about 8 seconds.

Terrierists

I can see you pumping petrol. .. / Fair enough / An elf fuel-filling prophecy

If a tree fell in the woods, and you were underneath it, would anyone hear me complaining..? / The sound of one hand clapping - it is NOT clapping for you. .. / YOU are less than a tick crawling in the sweaty underarm of Cosmic oneness. .. / Well YOU are less than a tick on the enormous clock of Cosmic timelessness. .. / Zenemies

The next great step in carrot evolution

Murmuring from the cheeses: calmly close the fridge door, quietly step sideways. / Dissent amidst the condiments: leave kitchen entirely; avoid eye-contact with pickles. / By the time the crackers open fire, it is ALWAYS too late. // BE FOOD AWARE. PROTECT YOURSLEF AGAINST SNACK-ATTACKS.

The radiocarbon dating technique

A combination of enthusiasm with lack of experience meant that Steve was always leaping to contusions.

Time flies when you're having fun

Uh oh .. . Thag's after our women again. .. What's the bet he's brought more flowers..? / However, flowers weren't getting Thag anywhere. This time he came with a concealed firearm.

Leon the electron was not sure just to where he'd been blasted when the photon struck, but indicators suggested he was now in one of the atom's degenerate orbitals.

Early Scottish torture techniques, No. 17: "Burning the Campbell at both ends."

The London School of Infectious Diseases Isolation Chamber Orchestra

An experimental burger and fries has broken from containment! It's spontaneously upsized! / God help us al. .. / 1960s USA: the obesity epidemic is accidentally unleashed

Well - there's the party food, and there are the drinks - but where is everybody else..? / Early life-forms

Larry will be sorely missed in the fishtank, but we console ourselves that he is going to a batter place. .. / FLUSSHHHH

It's.. . not.. . possible.. . / The reason you will never catch up with your paperwork is that late at night, in a nest of shredded manila folders, your most important files have babies.

"Just before we discuss your eligibility for a refund, are you absolutely sure that you read all the fine-print..?"

"I'm sorry darling. I'm not very good company tonight. .."

[Bullet pointed] Z Z Z Z Z Z / The next step in executive efficiency - Microsoft PowerNap

Instantly look 30 years younger!! Phone today..!! / [30 YEARS YOUNGER KIT] / INSERT IN MOUTH / PLACE ON HEAD

Pie rats of the Caribbean

"I need your honest opinion - does my butt look big enough in this..?"

"You have broke my wittle heart," sobbed Penelope, evidently still unaware of her appalling grammatical faults.

"Okay nanobots - our primary mission is to clean out this guy's arteries. But while we're here I can't see any harm in also building him a nice pair of man-breasts. .."

Screw the Mombasa Convention! All these hours that bastard's been deliberately teasing us! / Use of a sniper-rifle was technically prohibited, but the last straw for Melvin was when he noticed that the antelope had bought along his own water bottle.

RIGHT FOREARM SECURED!! / TORSO RESTRAINED! / INITIATE MAIN ATTACK!! / "In my professional opinion, your immune system is over-stimulated. .."

As the little Aardvark waved goodbye to his new friends, he wondered why they had chosen him to represent the planet Earth, and whether they were satisfied with the simple heartfelt message he had delivered to the Galactic Congress on his world's behalf: / On Earth, we eat termites. We love termites. The best way you could help us develop would be to send us many more types of termites. / Ten thousand new species of termites safely delivered. You sure this Aardvark thing is the most advanced lifeform on the planet? / Yup. It's the first animal in their dictionary. Inter-Planetary Publishing Protocol is to always list the most intelligent lifeform first. ..

"So - it seems that ancient hunter-gatherers hated the Barney creature almost as much as we modern humans detest him today. .."

"In this laboratory we're always pushing the envelope to the Max."

[BOOK: JUST DO YOUR FRICKING JOB] / Hmmm . . . . This new management fad is crazy enough that it JUST MIGHT WORK . . .

WU-HOO! NO MORE LIVING IN A DAMP CAVE! / Early house hunting

[Father to son] Remember son - when life throws you a lemon, make lemonade. .. / [Fly] Where'd you get to son? / I'm by the lemon tree dad! / Kid - I learned this from the humans. "When life throws you a lemon - / SQUITCH!

All I'm saying is that we need to be a bit more careful with our money / No problem honey / Lately we've been spending more than we've been earning / [BUFF POLISH ] With you all the way baby / We need to keep an eye on the little things / [COLLAGEN] Couldn't agree more / Are you sure that you're not just paying lip service honey? / SHHH. ..

"Well maybe you wouldn't have attracted the attention of the Time Police, Joe, if you hadn't spent the last fifteen years of your life deliberately Capturing Precious Moments."

Meanwhile, at the end of the garden, the security situation had deteriorated. A breakaway group of radical pixies had started making enriched geranium.

Mr Smith, the jury finds you guilty of breaking two Laws of the Land. It has also not escaped my own attention that you are also breaking at least one Law of Physics.

Okay!! I'll confess!! I can't take any more of this indeterministic postmodern rationalism!! I've never felt so completely LOST..!! / When the Good Cop - Bad Cop routine no longer gets results, you know who to call. Postmodern Crap Cop.

"Such a pity you couldn't find your way through the maze to deactivate my doomsday rocket, Mr Bond. Perhaps now you'll admit that you're not as clever as a well-trained lab rat."

65 MILLION YEARS AGO: Relax everyone, it's just an asteroid. Asteroids are natural. / 79 AD: Don't worry Pompeii, it's only a volcano! Volcanoes are perfectly natural..! / APRIL 14, 1912: Good news everybody - seems we hit an iceberg! We're sure lucky that icebergs are natural..! / TODAY: Droughts, floods, wild weather, rising sea levels, the whole climate change thing .. . all natural. / Experts through the ages

WHY IS THE SKY BLUE? / WHERE DO MICE COME FROM? / WHO INVENTED THE CAN-OPENER? / CURIOUS YET..? / "Bad dog! Stop trying to kill the cat!"

"For such a small dog he's got an incredibly loud barque."

"I've already told you Zark, there is nobody in this museum right now. It has no nutritional value. All you're doing is filling up on empty galleries."

Can't you look even remotely disaffected?!? / Mr Smiley Face. Also hated in Afghanistan.

"Okay, I'll admit it. Your dog is VERY good at playing dead."

"Nobody move! I've dropped my contacts!"

"Decoy ducks on the lake, scapegoats in the paddock, and red-herrings on the fishing line. If this is a cover-up, it's big.. ."

Security Bards

"Don't laugh, you're next. St Peter says these new units are more energy-efficient."

NOBEL PRIZE AWARDS / "Just a freak accident with some firefly DNA and suddenly the sun shines out of his arse!"

"It was a good bar before those glow-worms moved in. These days most of the new customers end up as exsanguinated corpses."

Sign: WET PAINT AHEAD. MINED WHERE YOU STEP / The idiots can't spell / KATHOOM!

Pius-131 / John Paul-192 / Benedict-238 / Gregory-239 (Soon after holding a Critical Mass) / Radioactive Isopopes

"Well, yeah, you MIGHT be nuts. Just how long have you been hearing these voices..?"

It was a magical sugar-filled childhood on the island. Every day Timmy would grab his trusty spoon and go out hunting Meringue-Outangs.

Three moths on a stationary Pinto / Four moths on a wandering Appaloosa / Five moths on a standing Palamino / Complete absence of moths on a strolling Roan / A strolling roan gathers no moths

The black cat sat on the mat. ..In front of the fire / His perfect black surface was absorbing ALL the heat of the fire. .. / ALL the heat from the room. ..ALL the heat from the house. .. / Brrrrr!! Why's it so COLD in here..?!? / MWA-HA-HA-HA-HAAA. ..!!!

GOING WELL . .. / STEADY. .. / I CAN'T HOLD IT! I CAN'T HOLD IT! / AAAARRGGHHH!!! / AND A FLAWLESS RECOVERY. .. / Jenny has a mid-lithe crisis

Millions of years ago, giant marshmallows ruled the earth. Having no skeletal system, they left no fossil-record. / Diabetic sugar-eating dinosaurs were their only predator. By igniting the acetone on their breath they could toast the marshmallows to death. These were our 'dragons' of legend. / They were too successful. Marshmallows are defenseless against fire and were eaten to near-extinction. With no food-source, the dragon population also plummeted. / It is thought that no dragons survived. Yet every now and then, while some hapless supermarket employee is out back unpacking a crate of marshmallows. ..

Millions of years ago, giant marshmallows ruled the earth. Having no skeletal system, they left no fossil-record. / Diabetic sugar-eating dinosaurs were their only predator. By igniting the acetone on their breath they could toast the marshmallows to death. These were our 'dragons' of legend. / They were too successful. Marshmallows are defenseless against fire and were eaten to near-extinction. With no food-source, the dragon population also plummeted. / It is thought that no dragons survived. Yet every now and then, while some hapless supermarket employee is out back unpacking a crate of marshmallows. ..

"Call that a BIG BANG, eh God..? Why, back home in Texas. .."

Stow this crate of fundamental forces in the hold, fasten the lifeboats, secure the deck, and hoist the sails. .. / A Higgs Bosun

Where am I..? Or what is my momentum..? Or where am I..? / Oh hell! Why worry about all that again? I'm not even sure if I'm a wave or a particle! / Photon self-identity issues

Angling

At last! An Ethics Committee that will listen to reason!

Dear sir, Could we please have a grant of $5 million from your corporation to allow us to research possible antidotes to a novel new colorless, skin-absorbed and slow acting nerve toxin? / P.S. It is possible that some of this toxin may have been inadvertently spilled on the envelope.

Good news! At the current rate of global warming we should be able to just swim over there and eat him in under five years..!

A boy in a not-quite parallel Universe left a ball of string sitting around. A dog started to gnaw at it, but then knocked it through a crack in the pavement and in to our solar system, where it was the size of a planet, and made of superstring..! / Astronomers saw it approaching and excitedly held press-conferences. People laughed and joked at first, but then grew fearful, because it looked as if the ball was on a collision course with Earth! / As it turned out, the ball passed very close to Earth but missed us. It passed right between us and the Moon. People laughed again and took photos as the ball moved off into the distance of space. .. / Unfortunately, a trailing strand snagged some outcrops on the Moon, and the thread started to unravel as the ball moved further away. As the moon orbited the earth, it began to wind us up with progressively more thread! / All the string in the stratosphere meant that sunsets were quite pretty at first, but soon our light was blocked out, and then the three inner planets all got tangled up with the sun, and we all died. / Which was a real pity, because the giant dog came after the ball, and he was really worth seeing. .. / Moral: be careful where you leave your string.

Grimey the myopic spider, another unlikely parable. .. / There was once a spider named GRIMEY, who lived in a red-brick apartment complex. Grimey was a JUMPING SPIDER, and didn't have a web, but would POUNCE on his hapless victims with a "WHOOOOOSSSH" and a "SWISH" and a "PIERCE, SUCK, SUCK, SUCK. .. heh heh heh. .." / About 20% of the time. The other 80% of the time Grimey MISSED his victims entirely and went THUDDING against the wall. You see, poor Grimey was MYOPIC in all eight of his spidery eyes. What SHOULD have looked like THIS: / Looked like THIS: / Grimey often considered getting glasses, but always ended up talking himself out of it. Deep down he was worried that if he did, all the other spiders would mock and call him "SIXTEEN EYES" (spiders can be so cruel. ..) / Finally, Grimey overcame his fear and undertook a long and hazardous journey to the local optometrist. Unfortunately, the optometrist, one DR MUFFETT, had NEVER OVERCOME HER CHILDHOOD FEAR OF SPIDERS..! / However, one thing she HAD learned in the intervening years was that "IT IS BETTER TO CONFRONT YOUR FEARS THAN RUN AWAY." / MORAL: Myopic spiders should avoid the optometrist named "MUFFETT"

Until Bob entered her life, Lisa never even knew the meaning of the phrase 'acute multiple drug-resistant infection by transgenic Staphylococcus aureus.' / Funny now to think back. .. Somehow all these little things change when you date a careless microbiologist. ..

The mysterious world of ligand substitution

I'm hit! I'm hit! I've lost an electron!! / Are you sure?? / I'm positive!! / Another casualty in the War of the Atoms

Tips pointing skyward in watchful expectation, sophisticated instrument packages tuned to detect airborne objects emitting at the red end of the visible spectrum, the deadly array of surface-to-air missiles glinted menacingly in the moonlight. / Biggins gazed toward the horizon and grinned wryly as his target came into view. "Last year you refused to give me a research grant," he muttered quietly, pressing the launch button. "This year we rid civilization of the scourge it calls 'Santa'."

It was a brighter meteor than most, and Biggins allowed himself a quiet smile as he contemplated the immense speeds involved as it burned itself up in the atmosphere. .. / Who would have guessed, Biggins mused as he fingered his recently delivered lump of coal, that Santa's sleigh would have a detachable heat-shield..?

Biggins regarded his gift from Santa with mixed emotions. On the one hand, he now had a whole year's worth of research funding. .. / On the other hand, the scope of his research project had been modified slightly; from the impacts of global warming on Pacific Island beaches, to examination of abandoned coal-mines in Bosnia.

Biggins emerged from his hiding place and peered up his chemically-treated chimney. Santa had arrived in the dead of night, slid carefully into the fireplace, left a single lump of coal, and departed as quietly as he had arrived. / Biggins smirked with pleasure at a satisfactory exchange of gifts. Yes it's true that I got a lump of coal, he thought, but in sliding down my chimney, Santa got a coating of the most powerful moth pheromones known to science. ..

Techno Santa

[Techno Santa patent application]

[Sign] THE COMING OF SANTA IS NIGH..!/ Well mock you may, little boy. .. but he KNOWS when you've been good or bad..!!

HE'S MADE A LIST, AND CHECKED IT TWICE. AND YOU'RE ON IT. / BE AFRAID. BE VERY AFRAID. / SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN.

"Well no wonder you haven't been feeling too well lately Santa - you're 96% cholesterol."

The Wilsons always had the Spirit of Christmas, all year long.

Four hundred nautical miles north of Antarctica, and 120 feet below the chill night-time seas, a chartered Kilo Class Type 636 submarine slid cautiously through the most isolated waters on earth. With the two diesel engines shut down, and running on battery at only one-quarter revolutions, the vessel was effectively silent. / The crew were weary with tension but quietly patient. Would they be found? Time alone would tell. It can be bloody hard to avoid the relatives at Christmas.

"And where do you think you're going at this time of night..!?"

Wait a minute - that's not a MISSILE..! It's a RISSOLE..! An Intercontinental Ballistic RISSOLE..! QUICK! PREPARE SOME GRAVY..! / The start of the world's first intercontinental food fight

"We're really proud of Gavin. We think he might grow up to be a bureaucrat."

"We should be safe as long as we don't do any paperwork! They can smell paperwork!"

Nice try mister, but I'm just the Abominable Snowboy. Dad's behind you.

Anarchy / Monarchy

Hurry up and fill the bag! I've only got a short lifespan! / Why few arthropods are criminals

Come on in. .. The fire's great! / The perennial summer problem of demons in the barbecue

"Just ignore Bruno - it's all bluster with that dog."

It's stuck again..!! / Know your mongrel: Canis osteoarthritis

"I'm confused. Is this character assassination, or capital punishment..?"

Meanwhile, at the Home for Old Atoms. .. / "When I was young I was an atom of uranium-238. I felt so alive, so dangerous! Then one day I accidentally ejected an alpha particle. Now look at me - a spent old atom of lead-206. All my life since then has been nothing but decay, decay, decay. .."

Unknown to the rest of the world, members of the scientific community have been making their own babies to order for quite some time now.

Tips for saving the planet, #12. If you come across a baby meteorite, don't go anywhere near it. You might attract its mother.

During the quieter periods, Lance and the boys would while away the hours by flicking bungee-bands at passing aircraft.

Welcome to "Noman" / POPULATION: 1 / Noman is an island

"Let's get this straight: either you talk, or we send you to the surface in a polystyrene overcoat."

Human Evolution: Possible Futures / Number 1: Happy Fat People

Human Evolution: Possible Futures / Number 2: Smart but Unbearably Foetal

Early evidence for the existence of dogs

We understand from the neighbours that you've been allowing your young boy to smoke..?

Corrupt coffee-company executive enticing impressionable youth

'No they wouldn't keep still at first. But then I thought: 'Hey, what's the use of being a tribesman if you can't use a few paralyzing darts?'. .."

You guys could use a break. Here, I'll hold the scalpel while you get some coffee. / Everyone, even the hospital surgeons, would tell you that Gary had a generous heart.

You the guy who just made a seven-coordinate compound of chromium III..? Well we've got a MESSAGE for ya / Chromium III doesn't LIKE being seven-coordinate. .. / Late that night, Professor Robinson's laboratory was overrun by hostile elements.

"Okay, now that we've all become the full and unencumbered embodiments of our authentic inner-selves we'd better get down to business. .."

Genes coding for that part of the brain responsible for generating novel new ideas / Genes coding for that part of the brain responsible for mental block / A slowly expanding region of genetic code that is ultimately responsible for the blush response / Genes which support the behavioral response "Yes, maybe I should." / "On second thoughts, maybe I shouldn't" genes / A tiny group of genes which govern the production of really smart retorts for use in arguments that finished some time ago / Specialized regions in a couple of human chromosomes

Well I'm no great virtuoso, but I DO like to tickle the ivories every now and then. ..

Actually, I'm a bit low on ammo today, so I'll just have a can of cola and a loaf of bread thanks. ..

Wait! I've had a new idea! Let's try it without the big hairy thing on the end! / Disturbing fact: the first recorded boomerangs were made of mammoth tusk

"I wish you'd learn to put the lid on your Petri Dish, Harry! We came here today with just four kids but now it looks like we've got several million..!!"

Her appeal trail was successful. We have to sew her head back on. / Checks and balances in the Saudi justice system

"You thought they were free, didn't you Jimmy..? Well, NOTHING in this Universe is really free, Jimmy, NOTHING. We want payment for the steak-knives. .."

Okay - who removed Jessica's sunhat..? / Kids & global warming

30 JUNE 1908 / Nicola Tesla during the time of the Siberian "Tunguska Event"

Perhaps it is true that each of my clients is inherently 'wrong' by society's upright standards. .. Yet I intend to prove here today that there are times when two wrongs really DO make a right. ..